millarific

Title: Crossed Frequencies
Author:

millari
Characters: Baltar, Gaeta, implied Bill Adama, implied Paulla
Pairing: none
Genre: Crack!fic
Wordcount: 1,286
Rating: G
SPOILERS: Through "The Road Less Travelled"
Warnings: none, unless goofiness counts
Summary: It all started with a simple cease and desist order...

Beta:Thanks to

_usakeh_ . Also, thanks to

daybreak777 and

wyrdwritere for contributing fun ideas.
Author's Note: Written for the Memo Challenge over at

thearchive2 and encouraged by the lovely

projectjulie

Crossed Frequencies: A Memo Fic

To: Dr. Gaius Baltar, Deck 8 Section 14
From: Lt. Felix Gaeta, CIC

Re: Use of Colonial frequencies

Dear Dr. Baltar,

It has come to our attention that you have been using Colonial military frequencies in an unauthorized manner in order to broadcast transmissions of a civilian and religious nature. This is expressly forbidden by Colonial Military Code 135.34.c, which regulates the use of all military communications channels.

This memo serves as an official warning to cease and desist your use of Colonial frequencies. Your cooperation is appreciated.

Sincerely,
Lt. Felix Gaeta

**********

To: Lt. Felix Gaeta, CIC
From: Dr. Gaius Baltar, Deck 8 Section 14

Re: Your memo

Dear Mr. Gaeta,

I wasn’t aware that the very air itself has been co-opted by the Colonial military and its self-appointed aristocracy. You can tell your elitist masters that I will continue to do everything in my power to bring His holy message to the people.

Speaking of which, I heartily invite you to attend one of my services. I think you might find my message of hope rather enlightening.

Yours in peace and godly perfection,
Dr. Gaius Baltar

***********

To: Dr. Gaius Baltar, Deck 8 Section 14
From: Lt. Felix Gaeta, CIC

Re: A message from the Admiral

Dear Dr. Baltar,

Your message has been duly passed on to the Admiral. He chose not to dignify it with a response, but reminds you to discontinue using Colonial military frequencies for your religious broadcasts, or else suffer the consequences.

I also took note of your invitation to attend one of your services. Frankly, I would rather take a long walk out a short launch tube.

Sincerely,
Lt. Felix Gaeta

**********

To: Lt. Felix Gaeta
From: Dr. Gaius Baltar

Re: A message from the Admiral

Lieutenant,

Kindly pass on to the Admiral that I do not appreciate being threatened, no matter how obliquely.

On a more personal note, I’d like to mention that I noticed a sliver of unresolved awkwardness at the end of your last communiqué and, honestly, I find it rather mystifying.

Surely you understand by now that the One True God has taught me the blessing of forgiveness? I harbor no bitterness towards you and the horrible lies you told about me at my trial.

Again, I urge you to consider attending one of my services.

Hope to see you there,
Gaius Baltar

**********

To: Gaius Baltar
From: Felix Gaeta

Re: Excuse me??

Dr. Baltar,

You have a lot of frakking nerve offering me forgiveness. For anything.

Remember that “butterfingers” crack you made about me at your trial? Believe me, were we ever alone in the same room again, I wouldn’t miss.

Lt. Felix Gaeta

**********

To: Felix
From: Gaius

Re: Your soul

Felix, Felix, Felix:

You’ve got to let go of this anger. I really do think some spiritual counseling would do wonders for your soul. God has a plan for you, Felix. I’d be more than pleased to talk about it with you.

Or perhaps you would feel more comfortable talking to a spiritual mentor in our congregation? Someone familiar? Mr. Tyrol is now attending our services. I could speak to him for you.

Sincerely,
Gaius

**********

To: Gaius
From: Felix

Re: Have you lost your frakking mind?

Spiritual counseling? Are you serious? Listen, I’m not interested in your imaginary god and cult of sex groupies, your freak show meetings, or your supposed concern over my non-existent soul. I’m an atheist. You were too, remember?

And I’m definitely not interested in talking with ex-Chief Tyrol. Have you taken a good look at the man lately? He walks around Galactica these days like a tylium refinery ready to blow.

Thanks but no thanks,
Felix

**********

To: Felix
From: Gaius

Re: Pamphlet

Felix,

I was truly saddened by your latest communication (which I noticed you had taken the trouble to write by hand. Your penmanship is more … aggressive than I remembered.) This is no way to live, old friend – hanging on to bitterness and mulling over transgressions so long in the past they are no longer worth pondering.

I urge you to take a look at this pamphlet I have enclosed, outlining the tenets of the One True God. I think you’ll find in it an appealing message of positivism. In a few days, I will send round someone from our congregation to help talk you through the bullet points.

Yours in bliss,
Gaius

**********

To: Gaius
From: Felix

Re: Leave me the frak alone

First of all, these memos need to stop. I don’t know why you keep harassing me with this. You never talked to me this much when we were friends.

Secondly, you need to call off that crazy girl Paulla. It was bad enough when she was showing up at my quarters every day wanting to talk about your stupid manifesto. But now since the Admiral posted a Marine guard in front of my quarters, she’s started surprising me on my rounds. She threatens anyone who comes near me with what she refers to as her “Holy Pipe of Smiting”, and when I called in sick two days ago, she attacked Hoshi in the hallway, calling him “an infidel unworthy to carry the clipboard.”

I cannot believe that even from a distance, you are managing to ruin my life again.

If you are truly as changed a man as you say you are, then will you please call off this demented little campaign of yours and leave me the frak alone?

Felix

**********

To: Admiral William Adama, CIC
From: Lt. Felix Gaeta, CIC

Re: Request for temporary transfer

Dear Admiral,

I’d like to make it known to you that I would welcome any upcoming duty missions that would take me away from Galactica.

I know this request may come as a bit of a surprise, but I have decided at this moment in my life that I need a bit of a time away. I would be willing to do whatever kind of menial or difficult assignment you have available, as long as I am stationed somewhere far away from Galactica.

What I’m saying, Sir, is that if you need someone to do a long-term electronics repair project somewhere in the Fleet, or maybe harvest algae from a planet going supernova, or if you need someone to plant a nuke in the middle of a basestar, I’m your man.

Thanks in advance,
Lt. Felix Gaeta

**********

To: Felix
From: Gaius

Re: Paulla

Felix,

I am so sorry to hear that my acolyte Paulla got a bit … overenthusiastic in her attempts to bring you into our little fold. She can’t help herself, poor girl. When she feels God’s love coursing through her, there’s really no stopping her. Believe me, I know.

And yet, despite all of Paulla’s efforts, we have yet to see you at one of our services.

But I am a patient man, Felix. So is He. We both know you will come round. When you are ready to know His plan for you, you know where to find us.

I’ll be waiting.

Gaius

**********

To: Dr. Gaius Baltar, Deck 8 Section 14
From: Galactica Internal Mail Service

Re: Undeliverable mail

Dear Dr. Baltar,

We regret to inform you that the recent memo you sent to Lt. Felix Gaeta has been deemed UNDELIVERABLE.

You are receiving this notice because the recipient is unreachable at this time, as his duty status has recently changed to CLASSIFIED. This means that the recipient is currently fulfilling a duty mission on an undisclosed ship for an undisclosed amount of time. We suggest that you try resending your memo upon the recipient’s return to active duty on Galactica.

Sorry for any inconvenience,
Galactica Internal Mail Service