No, you've never mentioned that about your history. I'm glad you're well these days. :) I can see how it would interest you in fic then. I hope you think I did it justice, having never suffered from depression like this, not by far. I did read up on PTSD though for background on Felix in my fics. I do think all that time on NC fearing for his life and then the Circle had to have quite an effect on him!
My depression was of the viscous and chronic variation; contrary to Gaeta, I've never suffered from any specific and acute trauma. So I'm playing a guessing game as much as you are when I write about PTSD. But I agree, he'd be pretty messed up. I certainly thought your fic felt real. The feelings of deadlock and numbness are things I recognize. The lack of progress, and the inability to find a solution. Sometimes, I feel depression is just like an x-rated version of boredom. I think also that this is one of the reasons why people never write about chronic forms of depression. ;)
You know, I got such interesting reactions to the Baltar/Gaeta sex scene. I'm curious what made you uncomfortable about it? (Not that I can't see lots of possibilities, but I'm curious what specifically made you uncomfortable with it?)
Uhm, it's the D/S. That's supposed to be about trust. It's something I can't imagine to be any kind of fun without trust. But the way Baltar does it, it's about domination and control in the ugly sense of the word. There is no trace of a hint that he cares. Yet it's not a violation, since Gaeta could just walk out of it if he could only make himself. It's a messy situation. It makes you wonder who took away Gaeta's dignity -- Baltar or Gaeta himself? It's like being raped without being victimized. It's certainly a rather personal reaction, since I imagine it wouldn't have made me uncomfortable if I had never put any thought into this kind of thing before.
Cottle/Gaeta too disturbing? Was it because of the doctor/patient relationship? The age difference? The grumpiness factor? ;)
Hee. No, my plotbunny specifically was too disturbing. I had this idea set after NC, where Cottle starts noticing that Gaeta reports to sickbay a lot with minor injuries, asking for sleeping pills, that kind of thing. And he clues in on the fact that Gaeta keeps finding excuses to go to sickbay. Because he's messed up and touch-deprived, see. Everybody acts like he isn't a part of the world anymore, and he feels like a ghost. He gets attention in sickbay, and positive attention at that. Gaeta feels like a wimp for doing this, but he can't make himself stop. So he sublimates and kind of transforms this need into a belief that he feels attracted to Cottle. And Cottle keeps being suspicious but he's also flattered that such a young, handsome lieutenant would feel attracted to him, so he goes along eventually. Anyway, this got into very dark territory. I couldn't make up my mind about how to end it, and it was a bit too much to handle. I wanted it to be really disturbing, since both of them make themselves do things they don't actually want to do**, but my mind refused to go there. :)
** It's like your sex scene, no? Looks like I have a major squick in that department. Huh. Thanks for making me aware of that!
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2009-04-16 08:09 pm (UTC)My depression was of the viscous and chronic variation; contrary to Gaeta, I've never suffered from any specific and acute trauma. So I'm playing a guessing game as much as you are when I write about PTSD. But I agree, he'd be pretty messed up. I certainly thought your fic felt real. The feelings of deadlock and numbness are things I recognize. The lack of progress, and the inability to find a solution. Sometimes, I feel depression is just like an x-rated version of boredom. I think also that this is one of the reasons why people never write about chronic forms of depression. ;)
You know, I got such interesting reactions to the Baltar/Gaeta sex scene. I'm curious what made you uncomfortable about it? (Not that I can't see lots of possibilities, but I'm curious what specifically made you uncomfortable with it?)
Uhm, it's the D/S. That's supposed to be about trust. It's something I can't imagine to be any kind of fun without trust. But the way Baltar does it, it's about domination and control in the ugly sense of the word. There is no trace of a hint that he cares. Yet it's not a violation, since Gaeta could just walk out of it if he could only make himself. It's a messy situation. It makes you wonder who took away Gaeta's dignity -- Baltar or Gaeta himself? It's like being raped without being victimized. It's certainly a rather personal reaction, since I imagine it wouldn't have made me uncomfortable if I had never put any thought into this kind of thing before.
Cottle/Gaeta too disturbing? Was it because of the doctor/patient relationship? The age difference? The grumpiness factor? ;)
Hee. No, my plotbunny specifically was too disturbing. I had this idea set after NC, where Cottle starts noticing that Gaeta reports to sickbay a lot with minor injuries, asking for sleeping pills, that kind of thing. And he clues in on the fact that Gaeta keeps finding excuses to go to sickbay. Because he's messed up and touch-deprived, see. Everybody acts like he isn't a part of the world anymore, and he feels like a ghost. He gets attention in sickbay, and positive attention at that. Gaeta feels like a wimp for doing this, but he can't make himself stop. So he sublimates and kind of transforms this need into a belief that he feels attracted to Cottle. And Cottle keeps being suspicious but he's also flattered that such a young, handsome lieutenant would feel attracted to him, so he goes along eventually. Anyway, this got into very dark territory. I couldn't make up my mind about how to end it, and it was a bit too much to handle. I wanted it to be really disturbing, since both of them make themselves do things they don't actually want to do**, but my mind refused to go there. :)
** It's like your sex scene, no? Looks like I have a major squick in that department. Huh. Thanks for making me aware of that!